


Movie Night

by Forlorn_Melody



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Slight Canon Divergence, plot about porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 03:06:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13778355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forlorn_Melody/pseuds/Forlorn_Melody
Summary: It’s just another one of Joker and Shepard’s bad movie nights until she accidentally discovers his porn folder. Awkwardness and hilarity ensue, and maybe just a little bit more.





	Movie Night

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AlyssAlenko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssAlenko/gifts).



With the looming suicide mission, and their ‘unofficial’ internment with Cerberus, Cassandra Shepard and Jeff “Joker” Moreau had decided they needed a regular distraction—a way to burn off steam, so to speak. They had agreed to a regular movie night, set to happen every night they weren’t on a mission, at 16:00 hours, Standard Galactic Time. Neither of them had ever said it, but they had an understanding between them that Movie Nights were reserved for the _worst_ movies in the galaxy. On the docket for tonight? _Blasto 4: The Galaxy Is Not Enough_

The credits began to roll, but Shepard had stopped watching a while ago, doubling over in laughter. “Oh my fucking _God_ , that was horrific.” She wiped tears from her eyes, sitting back in Joker’s co-pilot chair.

“Come on, Shepard. The word you’re looking for is _terrific_.” Jeff jabbed his finger at the screen in front of them. “ _Blasto 4_ is a masterpiece. A thing of beauty.” He tried to make eye contact with Cass, but it only made them break down yet again.

“Oh?” She could hardly breathe she was laughing so much. “Is that what they’re calling it these days?” Cass shook her head. “It doesn’t even fit with the rest of the franchise! I mean— _Blasto_ is always pure corn, but this? It’s so concentrated they could use it for _rocket fuel._ ”

“Psh. A hundred and fifty years ago, maybe.” Jeff stretched his arms. “Man. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep after this. I think I’ll have nightmares. I’ll never see popcorn the same way again.” Yawning, Jeff started to stand. “I better take a sedative. G’night, Cass.”

Cass leaned forward, her fingers dancing across the holographic interface. “Aww, c’mon, Joker. One more?” She grinned at him. “I need something to wipe that movie from my memory.”

“A slave-driver as always, Commander.” Jeff plopped back in his chair, cracking his knuckles. “What’ll it be? _Blasto: The Jellyfish Stings?_ ” He scratched his beard thoughtfully. “Oh! What about _Fleet & Flotilla?_ Tali really likes it.”

“Joker this is _movie night_. We don’t tarnish _tradition_ with good movies.” Cass tapped her lips, narrowing her eyes at a list of options in front of her. “Oo, wait. I got it.”

Jeff turned his head to see what she was looking at. His eyes widened as he recognized the titles. “Shepard, wait.”

“Oh come on, Joker, where’s your sense of adventure? _Alliance: Call of Booty_ sounds like a real work of art.” Cass leaned forward, reading the description out loud. “Marines Christina Shepherd, Lieutenant Commander, and Jacob Munroe, Flight Lieutenant, have lived their lives in service to humanity and the galaxy, but their hunt for a rouge Spectre has them bending more than one rule.” Joker swore he saw her eyes glow red as she winked at him. “What’s wrong with a parody film?” She reached forward, tapping the play button. “Sounds like we could both use some self-deprecating humor.”

The sounds of thumping bass line filled the cock pit as the screen in front of them flashed the opening credits. Jeff Moreau, Flight Lieutenant, formerly of the Alliance Navy, watched in horror as a buxom character stepped directly in front of the camera, swaying her hips in her faux military uniform.

Shepard guffawed as the angle panned out, the actress hooking her fingers in her belt loops, stepping out of her pants in a gratuitous strip tease. “She looks nothing like me!” Pointing at the screen, Shepard looked at Joker, gleefully oblivious to the blush spreading across his cheeks—or maybe she thought it was part of the fun. “I mean, look at those boobs! Totally bigger than mine.” She held her side, laughing some more as the regulation thong came off too. “And that hairstyle? She wouldn’t make it out of basic wearing that.”

Joker’s mouth struggled to form words. This couldn’t be happening. “Cass! That’s not my vid library—”

It was only when the actor playing the Alliance’s most infamous pilot dropped his own pants and freed his erection that Shepard finally realized what they were watching. “—It’s your porn collection.” Her jaw dropped, her gaze transfixed by the images on the screen.

Christine Shepherd had dropped to her knees in front of the pilot’s chair, giving her pilot quite the blow job. Joker shifted in his chair, hearing his own pulse pounding in his ears over the obnoxious soundtrack. _This can’t be happening._ Maybe, just maybe, he had fallen asleep during _Blasto 4_ and this was the beginning of a super realistic nightmare. Had to be, right? It wasn’t until the fictional commander had let go of the flight lieutenant’s cock with a _pop_ that Shepard finally turned her attention back to Joker. “You know…when we said we were having movie night again, this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.”

Joker rubbed his face. “I’m so, _so_ sorry you saw this. I should have caught you sooner.”

“Ha! Are you kidding?” Cass laughed. _Laughed_. “This is amazing.” She flashed him a shit-eating grin. “You know, I never imagined I’d be watching porn with my best friend, but hey, there’s a first for everything.”

A plan formulated in Joker’s head. Maybe he could recover from this if he played his cards right. “Oh, yeah. I just downloaded this. Just another parody, you know? I knew you’d get a kick out of watching a fake you fuck on sc—”

EDI’s voice cut in over the intercom. “—Correction, Mr. Moreau. You have watched this vid exactly 96 times since you downloaded it 13 months and 19 days ago.” Too bad Joker was terrible at poker.

“Damn.” Cass braced her elbow on her armrest, and leaned toward him, her chin in her hand. “Something you wanna confess, Mr. Moreau?” Her eyes twinkled wickedly.

Feeling his stomach turn, Joker snapped. “It’s just porn, Commander. You know how I feel about fraternizing.”

Cass Shepard flinched as if slapped. “Right.” She stood up to leave, grabbing her N7 hoodie and her empty bowl of popcorn. “I believe your exact words were ‘I’m not Kaidan.’” The words dropped out of her mouth like acid as she walked away, and it was then that Jeff Moreau realized he had made a terrible mistake.

“Cassandra, wait!” Joker scrambled up out of his chair, nearly falling over.

The use of her first name stopped Shepard in her tracks. Wearily, she pushed her dark hair out of her eyes. “What is it, Fight Lieutenant?”

“Cass, look at me.” Catching up to her, Joker took her hand in his. “Please.”

Reluctantly, Cass turned to face him. He saw a world of hurt in her eye that made him ache.

“I’m sorry, Cass. I…” He sighed. “I shouldn’t have brought him up. Not after Horizon.”

Cassandra Maria Shepard, daughter of the highly decorated and respected Captain Hannah Shepard, rolled her eyes in her usual fashion. “That’s not why I’m upset, Joker. And if you remember, I’m the one who mentioned him by name.” She swallowed conspicuously. Would she ever stop trying to be brave around him? They both knew she couldn’t defeat everything with a gunshot.

“I care about you a lot, it’s just—“

“—You just want to be friends. I get it.” Cass started to pull away again, but Joker refused to let go.

“—I don’t want to complicate things.” His heart thudded again. At this rate it would shatter his fragile rib cage.

Cass gave him a knowing look, and she smiled ever so slightly. “It’s already complicated, Jeff.” She brought his hand to her cheek. “I died saving you from the wreckage of the _Normandy._ ” Squeezing his hand, she added, “You joined a terrorist group to save mine.” Searching his eyes, she whispered, “Why?”

_Shit_. He couldn’t lie to her, not anymore. “I love you, Cassandra Maria Shepard.”

“I love you, too.” She teared up, and Joker reached with both hands to wipe the tears away. Cass grabbed his wrists, pulling him into a gentle kiss, placing his hands around her waist. They melted into each other’s embrace.

His world shrank zeroed in on the feel of her fingers against his uniform, and the warmth of her mouth on his. Joker wound his fingers into hair, shivering at the soft sound she made as he scraped his fingernails against her scalp. Cass’s fingers wandered all over his back and his shoulders, then his hips, as if she couldn’t decide where to keep them. Only when he started to see stars did Joker break for air.

“Holy shit.” He breathed against her lips.

Cass gasped too. “Yeah.” Nuzzling his nose, she laughed softly as she worked on catching her breath. “So…where are we going with this, Jeff?”

“You make my name sound so dirty.” He blushed even as he tried to laugh it off.

Cass trailed a finger across his bottom lip, scratching his beard with her free hand. “Answer the question, Jeffery Marcus Monroe, or I swear I’ll scramble all your flight logs.”

“You wouldn’t dare.” Man, she made it hard to keep a straight face.

“And I’ll move all your stuff. Throw it out the airlock.” Her tone remained playful, but he could see her smile fading.

Joker traced his thumbs up her jaw line. “Sheesh.” He really didn’t want to mess this up. “Christ, I want to…” He pressed his forehead against hers, whispering, “I’ve always wanted to. Ever since the day we met….ever since I first heard you laugh.”

“Then what’s stopping you?” Cass pulled away enough to search his eyes. More than anything, he wanted this, but--

“What happens to us after this?”

“We finish building our team and upgrading our ship. Then--”

“--Your ship.” Jeff corrected her. It wasn’t the same without her, after all.

“ _Our_ ship.” Did she have to make him _melt_ like this? Cass straightened the bill of his hat as she chose her next words. “Then…we stop the Collectors and save the galaxy. Or we don’t.” She swallowed hard at that last one.

Oh no she didn’t. “Cass.” He could see her pulling away, even though she wasn’t moving. “ _Cassandra_ Shepard. We _will_ make it.” Squeezing her elbows, he looked directly into her eyes. “I didn’t join betray the Alliance to bring you back from the dead just so you could _give up!”_ Joker sighed. “Besides, you’re avoiding the question. I already know we’re going to win this thing. What I need to know is…where will _we_ be after this is all over? I mean…is this a onetime thing?”

“No!” Cass said it so vehemently Jeff swore the whole ship would hear it. “You’re my best friend Jeff…I wouldn’t.”

“So..we’re friends..that fuck around?” He sounded the words out loud, trying to accept them as they came. But they didn’t settle in his stomach like he hoped they would.

“Would you want to be something more?” Cass said it a small hopeful smile that made him churn.

“Provided you don’t snap me in half with those thighs of yours…”  Then he kisses her, gently opening her mouth his tongue. Only when she started to moan did he realize something was off. “Wait.”

“Jesus. Fucking. Christ. What is it now?” Cass glanced at the door as he studied her, trying to figure out what it was. “Oh.” Looking towards the stern of the ship, she called out. “EDI? Lock the door.”

“Right away Shepard.”

Cass smirked at him. “Happy now?”

Jeff shook his head, narrowing his eyes as he circled her. Finally, as he made his way around to her backside did it strike him. Aha! “Hold still.” He spun her around, reaching to pull the pins from her intricately placed bun. His breath caught in his throat as her dark curls tumbled down to frame her olive-skinned face. They fit her. Wild, untamed—just like Cass. “There.” Suddenly his pants felt a whole lot tighter.

“You are such a dork.”

“At your service, Commander.” Jeff removed his hat and took a bow.

Biting her smile, Cass took a moment to eye him up and down. “I do like the sound of that.” She slipped her hands underneath his Cerberus uniform, making him shiver. The vid’s soundtrack picked up again, as the actress spread her legs over the arms of the pilot’s chair. Christina Sheperd gasped in a high-pitched moan as her pilot brought his face between her legs. Cass gaped, swallowing hard, as she momentarily forgot the man next to her.

“Cass? You doing alright?” He gently turned her head, tracing his thumb across her olive cheek bones, admiring the flush he found there.

“Y-yeah.” She tore her eyes from the screen, pulling his shirt up his chest. Following the fabric with her lips, she traced a trail of kisses up his chest.

Jeff shivered, holding her head close to his skin, only to jump as the girl on screen _screamed_ in her orgasm. “Uh, Cass?”

Cass hummed into his skin, easing his arms out of his sleeves.

 “Can---can we not?” He grabbed her wrists before she could pull the shirt off his head.

“What?” She blinked at him, searching his eyes.

Jeff turned, turning the screen off. “I mean, this is our first time..and…I just want it to be us. _Just_ us. As we are, no porn..no kinks. Just us.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Cass pulled back a little, her eyes glancing out the port-side window. She took a breath, nuzzling her nose against his. “How do you want to do this?”

Clearing his throat, Jeff looked around. “Well, we don’t have a bed…so…chair, I guess?” He pulled the shirt off his head, taking her hand.

“Top or bottom?”

“Uh….” His words caught in his throat. “Top—I mean you on top. Yeah.” Jeff swallowed hard, pulling her closer.

Cass bit her smile, leading the way. She kissed down his neck, undoing his belt. Jeff’s hands fumbled with her shirt, swearing softly at how tightly it fit against her body. “Jesus, it’s like Cerberus never wants you to take this thing off!”

Laughing, Cass guided his hands. “Here, let me help.” She twisted her arms, arching her shoulders back as she pulled it off. “Cat got your tongue?” Cass traced his dropped jaw.

“How many sit ups does it take to get abs like that?” He focused his attention on her belt. No need to get ahead of himself.

Cass slid his pants down, smirking up at him. “Too many.” She made quick work of his boots, sliding them off one and a time.

Jeff took her hands, helping her back up, and helping her out of her pants. He shimmied and kicked his off, sitting in his favorite chair. Cass slid her hands down his arms, studying him with her eyes, memorizing the feel of his skin with her lips. Giggling into his ear, she felt up the bulge between his legs. Unable to help his groan, Jeff grabbed her hand. “Cass,” he gasped, “I’m not gonna last if you keep touching me like that.” Moving her hands to his shoulders, he whispered. “Go easy on me, ‘kay?”

“Kay.” Cass draped her arms around his neck, gripping him tightly as he slipped his fingers into her underwear. “Joker! That’s not fair!”

Snickering, he pressed harder and deeper, admiring the way she came undone in his arms. He held her up as she lost her balance, moaning his name into his shoulder. Jeff kissed her soothingly, working her through her peak with his nimble fingers. “C’mere.” Pulling her onto his lap, Jeff snuck another kiss against her lips.

Cass kissed back breathlessly, fumbling as she worked his boxers down his hips. Reaching around her back, Jeff squinted as he undid the clasps on her bra. She rolled the straps down her shoulders, following his gaze with her own.

“Shit, Cass.” He ran a trembling hand down the largest of her scars, one that ran across her left breast. It must be from when they installed implants in her heart. His mind started to slip back to the day Cerberus made him an offer…with her corpse laying on an operating table, plastic tubes—

“Jeff. I’m here.” Her fingers scratched through his beard, bringing him back. “I’m still here,” she whispered.

“Thank God for that.” He kissed her earnestly, as if the only oxygen left on the ship came from her lungs.

Taking his hand in hers, she wrapped it around his cock, and together they guided him inside her. The world faded around them as she rocked slowly against him. In this moment there was no race against the Collectors, no mining for resources to upgrade their Normandy, no illicit favors to the crew, no suicide missions through a deadly relay. Right now it was just Cass and Jeff, wrapped around each other like custom-fitted armor, protecting each other from the universe that plotted to tear them apart.

Cass wrapped her hands around his neck as she picked up speed. He watched her lean back, changing the angle, making her feel impossibly tight against him. He cried her name, bracing himself on his hands, thrusting up to meet her hips before he too, came undone.

“You know…the one downside to really hot chair sex is it’s _really_ hard to cuddle afterwards.” Cass pulled off of him, laughing breathlessly, reaching down to grab her clothes.

“Never took you for a cuddler, Shepard.”

“Shut up, Joker.” Cass whacked him playfully with her bra. “Or I’ll blast your porn collection all over the Extranet.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Mm, right. We should save it for the Collectors.”

EDI’s holographic interface popped up, starting them both. “Excellent point, Commander Shepard. The multiple terabytes of data would most definitely scramble a collector signal.”

This time, Cass’s jaw dropped. “How much porn do you _have_ in here?”

Joker rubbed his face. “EDI!!”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, there’s a reference to Troll 2 in the beginning. Comment if you find it. ;P


End file.
